Pass the ashtray: smoking ban takes effect

The obvious day to celebrate would be the 1st of January. But in 2011, the 2nd of January might be a better choice. The 2nd is the glorious day which the smoking ban takes effect in Spain. The law prohibits smoking in enclosed public spaces. A 2006 law that restricted smoking was voluntary, mostly ineffective, and entirely stupid. This new law is one of the strictest in Europe.

I don't know yet how the public is reacting to the ban; smoking is ubiquitous in bars and restaurants. (Bonus points for using a semicolon correctly, I think. Yay journalism degree!) This is the scene I have in my head that could be playing out as we speak:

Greece upped the ante for protests. Bring it, France.
Retirement age, schmishmirement age. I want burning cars.

But instead of a young man in a black hoodie it's several old men with woolen hats and newspapers and instead of riot police it's a group of very attractive (more on the mind-boggling good looks of Spanish civil servants in a later entry...) police officers in groups of two.

But most likely, life continues as normal, but instead of talking about the freakish rain in the old man bars, they will grumble about not being able to smoke for a year or two until it becomes normal.

To me, the idea of not having a smoking ban until 2011 is crazy. Smoking, especially indoors, seems antiquated, it's so 80's to light up in a bar or a restaurant. With people smoking all over everywhere all the time, you have to be strategic about avoiding it. Over the past year or so, a couple of friends and I have developed a set of procedures to limit the smoke getting all up in your business. This set of behaviors will attempt to keep you away from the gross second hand smoke smell, but that shit is everywhere, like the clap.


1. Going out for cañas the second night in a row? Wearing the same thing I wore last time because it already smells like smoke.
If you're going out with the same group of people, make sure they don't think you're a bum before repeating your clothes. Most people, at least ones who I hang out with, are okay with it and may even tip their hat to you for your cleverness in the face of certain smelliness.

This bar is called Burbujas, and specializes in drinks that make you ridiculous.

2. Sun dry.
This one requires both cooperative weather and being fairly lucid upon arrival home. Sun has a great ability to zap second hand smoke smell out of clothing. When you get home, hang your clothes out where the sun will hit them in the morning and by the time you awaken in the late afternoon, your clothes are good as new. Bonus: you can call yourself eco-friendly!

3. Go to Livraria.
In the past month, a shimmering oasis of clean air has opened up on Avenida Carlos Haya. Livraria, a new bar that has a nice caña-to-cost ratio, pool table, and good lighting, doesn't allow smoking. It's pretty gentrified, but definitely worth the slight haul out of the neighborhood for a beer.

4. Midnight laundry bandit
This technique, which I have only once successfully pulled off, is for advanced non-smokers. Upon arrival from a smoky bar, change into your pajamas and immediately put your clothes in the washing machine. It helps to have the other laundry you were going to put in already ready to go, then just throw in your clothes and turn it on. When you wake up in the morning, hang it out to dry and no evidence remains of your goings-on the night before.

This photo is a substitute for the photo I actually 
wanted to put up. You're welcome, Lindsay.

5. Sit outside and bitch
This technique works when you are hanging out with big groups of foreigners. As Malaga permits patio seating a good portion of the year, you can wait for a table outside in the sunshine at the restaurant and then sit and bitch about smoking. Bonus points for annoyingly waving your hand in front of your face when people light up. Not applicable in discotecas and winter months.

6. Never eat churros
Most of these strategies will cover you for going out at night, but one must always be vigilant. In the daylight hours, churros y chocolate bars are by far the smokiest. You may be lured by delicious, artery-clogging fried dough and a big cup of chocolate to dip it in, be prepared to stank when you come out. The churro bars almost always double as old man bars, and that means chain smoking in the morning.

While these pointers are effective for clothing, the smoke will still get into your hair and purse. But now with the smoking ban, that should be no issue! This smoking ban will hopefully give many people an extra push to quit smoking. It will help protect those in the service industry from the harmful effects of smoke in the workplace. It reinforces the message that tobacco is addictive. It's good for the children. It's good for teenagers. It's good for old man bars and superpija discotecas. It's good for families. It's a positive step for the health of the nation.

My personal health and finances, however, will soon be deteriorating. Rapidly. Because hey! There's no annoying cigarette smoke! Let's go out! Salud, smoking ban. To an unhealthier 2011.