Juan y Medio

Andalucía is blessed with a gem of a local TV network: Canalsur.

It's now in HD. Because that's what it needed.

It is the go-to network for flamenco contests, knock-off Karlos Arguiñán cooking shows, and, the gem of it's programming in my wise judgment humble opinion, Juan y Medio.

Trust in the 'stache.

If this man doesn't inspire confidence, I don't know who would.

Juan y Medio hosts several programs, but the best, again in my sage wisdom personal opinion, is La Tarde Aquí y Ahora. On this program, Juan y Medio takes on the noble task of senior dating. Each program, JYM interviews a couple of senior citizens, all of whom are characters and super difficult to understand through the accent and age. These senior citizens are single, and ready to mingle.

JYM, who has a special touch with getting the elderly to open up, interviews the dating candidates and then prospective partners call in and can chat with the lucky man or lady in the hot seat.

This. Program. Is. So. Good.

Never will you see little old pueblo ladies making discreet references to sexual activity, or older men explicitly stating they want a woman who can cook, clean, and the Spanish equivalent of "no fatties."Or who may be unsure of just how many children they do have around.

If you have the chance, I in my total and complete knowledge of everything suggest you catch an episode.

While it is a hoot to watch the program, JYM serves a really crucial social function. Elderly people still have a lot to offer, a lot to live. Rather than sweeping them under the rug or treating them as burdens, there should be a way for them to participate actively in society. Maybe we should export JYM.

John and a Half, anyone?

I nominate Geraldo Rivera.

I mean he's already got the 'stache requirement covered.

The remote is broken

This afternoon after coming home and making lunch (gnocci with ranch dressing sauce, spinach and tomato salad, empanadillas filled with caramelized onion and apples, bacon, and figs. Yes please...) and sitting down to watch the news and the Simpsons, as usual, I noticed the remote control is broken. Due to the digital switch that happened last year, the remote is the only way we can change the channel. Therefore, we are stuck on Antena 3 until I either brave the cold to get batteries at the chino or, if the remote is broken, get a new one. For the moment, I've decided to capitalize on this event and make a blog entry, thus avoiding solving the problem and maintaining warm on the couch for the time being.

Currently, what is on offer on Antena 3 is Bandolera, a period piece about an English girl that arrives to Andalucía in the 19th century who quickly becomes enrolled with a handsome Spanish army officer who fights against the ominous sounding La Mano Negra and all of the lawlessness and stuff. Of course.

Now Spanish TV does not do period dramas well. In fact, they're horrific. The whole thing is like high school play that was recorded nicely and with nobody forgetting their lines. It's as painful for the audience as a 10th grade "Sound of Music." The setting has the look of cardboard painted to look "rustic" with bricks showing and barrels of alcohols and olde-tymey advertisements for things.

Amar en Tiempos Revueltos

Amar en Tiempos Revueltos, set in Madrid after the Spanish Civil War, has been stinking up the TV for years. The costuming is sub-par at best. The standard pseudo-40's look of updoes, cardigans, and suits leaves one longing for Mad Men. (Not that I've seen more than one episode of Mad Men, but everyone talks about it and the fashion and the costumes and everything. It's like Regina George from Mean Girls, everyone just knows stuff about it.)

Hispania: LA LEYENDA!!!

Another costumed atrocity is Hispania: La Leyenda. Set in Roman times, this one is about a tranquil Spanish village that gets invaded by Romans and who must fight back against those mean Italians who take their land and women and invade their lifestyle, a battle still continuing on the streets of Málaga today between the Spanish kids and the Italian boys here on Erasmus. Since it's set in Roman times, costumes are super easy. The process must have gone something like this:

1. Buy a set of dark colored bedsheets from Carrefour.
2. Cut up into togas.
3. Buy leather belts from Bershka.
4. Get some leather sandals from your hippie friend.
5. Go crazy with the gold studs and jerry curls and voilá! Ancient Rome!

Another key component of costuming in any period piece is, of course, excessive cleavage. Attracting the attention of a male audience to a show about some English chick who falls in love with a soldier in a faraway land or two people in post-war Madrid who have a child together is difficult. The easy way to keep everyone tuned in is to drop the necklines of all the female costumes.

Actress Marta Hazas as Englishwoman Sara Reeves,
looking like a pirate wench while writing in her diary.

In Hispania, it's the slutty Roman slave outfits that keep the menfolk tuned in. With reason, because the one actress in that show is stunning.

Standard Roman slave clothing, of course.

So instead of tuning in to what is essentially a long play at the community arts center put on television, tune into something worthwhile on TV. Like....ummmm....well there's....

Nope. There's nothing.